I can hardly believe 6 months have passed. The kids and I talk about how time feels. In someways it feels like time has crept by day after day, very slowly. Yet, at the same time, I can't believe it's October. The year is almost over and I can't remember but a fragment of it. Where did the time go?
Nevertheless, some things remain the same...
We miss him...
We long for the sound of his voice... his laughter...his smile...
I want his opinion about things... anything...
I want to hold his hand...
Share coffee in the morning...
Watch TV at night...
I want him to be mad at me for not giving him my receipts out of my wallet BEFORE he paid the bills...
I wish he could cook us a yummy meal on the grill...
I miss Little Rock and the time we spent there...
I miss the snoring...
Grief is universal. I know many of you reading this blog have felt the pain of loss. (and I'm sorry if you have) I have found over the months, that there's an instant connection when you speak to someone else who knows the loss of a loved one. Sometimes walking around in a fog feels so foreign to the way you used to be. Talking with someone else who has experienced what you're going through is like being in a strange land and meeting someone who speaks your language. They get it. They get where you are.
The kids got to experience a little of this a few weeks ago. They went to a Teen Good Grief camp in AR. At first, they reacted like any teenager would when you suggest giving up a weekend with friends to go... well, you know.... grieve. ("not grieve, mom" as Zach put it, "we're going to heal" - with his sarcastic smile)
God answered my prayer, as I could see them already getting to know their adult "buddy" for the weekend in the parking lot. They all enjoyed themselves, the other teens in the camp and the activities that centered around "where they are right now." They came home really glad they went. Chase was funny. He told me about a relaxation exercise they did. He said he wanted me to do it. "What is it, Chase?" "Well, they call it a relaxation exercise, but it's really just something that makes you cry." I tried it. He was right.
October 13th, I went to Jackson to be with Frank's family. The Mississippi Bar association was having a memorial service for those members of the bar that passed away in 2009. It was a lovely service and it was great to see the family and spend some time with them. Big Frank is missed so much. We find letters he wrote tucked away in books or drawers. Whenever I see a yellow memo pad letter folded up, I know I have found something special.
The kids are busy as usual, and doing well. Chandler is working hard on filling out scholarship applications. Mississippi State is her first choice for college right now. (That's proof of heavenly influence on earth) She's still playing piano, singing in the praise band at church. She's also swimming on the ECS team this year.
Zach is playing soccer for Lobos still. He loves it, his team and his coach. He's also starting to look for a job. And of course, still thrilled to be driving. The suburban fits him just right and it's really sweet to see him behind the wheel of daddy's car. Zach also wears some of Frank's shirts. It warms my heart to see him in them.
Chase is also swimming on the ECS team. He's in the school play - Robin Hood. We're looking forward to his performance in mid November.
I'm still working at Hope and just started a new nursing job at The Shot Nurse. The girls I work with are so nice. It's very different being around people who didn't know me before, know Frank or followed our journey. I thought today was going to be so hard, but when I got to work, I was able to share with them what today was. It ended up being such a sweet day with them. One of the girls was born and raised in Greenville and graduated from the same high school as Frank. Good ole Greenville High! It's a small world!
This is a Halloween picture from last year. I can't remember if we blogged about it or not, but he dressed up and walked around to a few of the departments at UAMS - the PET scan and radiology department. The staff knew Frank, and saw him often... but they didn't recognize him. He was using his walker and looked very convincing.
After we had gone to the Bone Marrow unit for his transfusions, we found out the campus police were looking for him! Someone in radiology had reported him as a missing psych patient! That made Frank's day! He was very proud to know he was on the "Wanted List".
We will miss him this Halloween....
So, here's how we're REALLY doing... it's a long - but honest - answer....
We are waking up every day very well aware that Frank isn't here.We cry. Some days a lot, some days a little.
But God is faithful. He has never left our side.
He is there, knowing just what we need and providing it for each one of us.
We are growing, and learning how to depend on Him for our needs.
We are getting close to Him and each other.
And we are dreading the holidays.
Thank you for your prayers, cards, calls and emails. It really does still minister to us and mean so much.
We are blessed.... so very blessed.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is, but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,
while we do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are not seen,
For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18
