Monday, February 8, 2010

As I sit to write this post, I am looking outside at beautiful snow! I just love it! I had intended to update on Jan 29th - our 9 month mark, but we got winter weather that day too, and time just slipped away. But yesterday was a special day too.... Frank asked me to marry him 21 years ago on Feb 7! I'm so glad he asked! :)

I have been reminded of the power of prayer and how precious the body of Christ is this past month. I have run into several friends lately that have told me, " I still pray for your family every day". I cannot express how that makes me feel! When people told Frank they prayed for him everyday, he used to tell them, don't pray for me everyday... you'll get tired of it. Pray for me on trash day - that way you'll remember!

Jan 29th was 9 months. There was ice and a little snow on the ground that morning too. The kids were sweet to go with me to the cemetery (they don't really like going). I wanted to see it with snow around it. I never tire of going, although my emotions vary with each visit. Sometimes I go because I just miss any sense of being near him, and I talk to him, even though I know he's not there. I feel like Forest Gump when he talked to Jenny. It's embarrassing. And other times I go and I'm happy and joyful and just reminded of how very blessed I was to have had a good marriage. I know I'm a better person for knowing him, and for loving him.

God is teaching me gently how to love and trust Him in a new way. I have trusted Him as my Saviour. I have learned to say "not my will be done" about His plans for our lives. This isn't easy, but that relationship is familiar after walking with the Lord as a believer. What I didn't realize was that I didn't really know how to let Him fulfill needs that Frank filled. I had to admit that I didn't allow Jesus to supply my every need. As a wife, Frank filled a lot of my needs. Learning to look to the Lord to really meet my every need has been a challenge. But guess what? God never disappoints. Hope doesn't disappoint. And He promises to meet us right where we are!

Since Christmas, I can - for the first time - say that I feel progress being made on this grief journey. (I don't know what else to call it) Christmas was...well.... just really really hard! But even with New Years came a sense of hope, new beginnings and fresh starts. Every sense then, I can feel the heaviness of pain lifting a little. I still cry. Almost every day but it's just a little different than before. I remember with more joy than pain. But this statement couldn't be more true: You never get over it, you just get through it.

The kids are all doing well. They have a healthy perspective about Frank I think. We talk about him very often. His name is mentioned at our house daily in some way or another. We laugh at old stories, we are very mindful of the mark he left on our lives in so many different ways. Even in the little things.... Zach and I went to buy new windshield wipers for the suburban. He bought just what his daddy told him to: "the good ones... don't buy the cheap ones". We just smiled on the way to register... it's just the little things that make us remember him with tenderness and love.

Chase finished his swim season strong and just made the spring musical Fiddler on the Roof at school. Zach is getting ready for the soccer season to start and working at the church. Chandler was recently diagnosed with Senioritis. It's pretty bad... We are on the daily countdown to graduation! Her plans are to attend Miss State (tell me Frank doesn't have pull in heaven!) in the fall. She's still playing the piano and working at the restaurant.

This week is Big Frank's birthday and he and Frances' anniversary. My thoughts are with her and Neely and Scott as we approach the one year mark of saying goodbye to Big Frank. We miss him so much!

THANK YOU for your continued prayers for our family. We are filled with gratitude and thankfulness for you!