5 months

With great anticipation, we waited all day Saturday, the 19th, to wish Zach a happy birthday. Chandler and I (mostly Chandler) planned a surprise party for him. Seconds after the "SURPRISE!!", I asked him if he was really surprised. Zach replied, "No.... I knew." He's not a straight A student on accident. But we all had fun.

He passed his drivers test on the following Tuesday and was able to drive himself to his soccer practice that evening. It was the first time he'd driven alone. We all tried to act cool about it, like he'd been driving for years. But after he walked out the door, Chase and I raced to the window to watch him get in the car, fix mirrors, and pull out the driveway. He caught us at the last second and gave us a smile and a wave.

Tuesday was big day for Zach. Getting his license. Driving.... his daddy's car. The day had it's joyful and exciting moments. But at the end of the day, Zach crawled into his daddy's spot in our bed and had a good cry. That just says it all, doesn't it?? That is a true picture of grief. Life goes go, but never without the pain.

Last weekend, the kids and I were able to attend the Miss State/LSU game in Starkville. The kids hadn't been to a football game in so long their memories were vague. Chandler's friend, Ashleigh, went with us. My cousins were generous and shared tickets with us. Seeing them "take it all in" was really fun for me. The cowbells were ringing and the fans were chanting "maroon" and "white". The game was so exciting!

The whole weekend, the scrolling thought constantly rolling through my mind was how proud Frank would be of me! He was the football guy. Yet, I packed up 4 kids and drove to Starkville. Saturday morning the sky poured down the rain. But that didn't stop me! I was boy scout prepared. I bought rain ponchos, got parked in time for us to enjoy breakfast on campus, walk around the Union and had us in our seats on time!

Just like last Tuesday, we had a great time - cheered, laughed and took it all in.... all with the overwhelming sense of loss that Frank was missing it all. Maybe he wasn't. Ashleigh told us he just had a better view. It was us missing him. Yes, indeed.

Isaiah 49:13 (The Message)
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead! Mountains, send up cheers!God has comforted his people. He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.

It's been 5 months. Our schedule is almost identical to the way it was a few years ago. The kids are in school, I'm working at Hope. The familiar routine has been comforting, but it has also caused - for me - a strange sense of denial. Things are so much like they were before, that the anticipation of Frank walking through the door after work is worse now than it was a few months ago. I keep looking for my daily text he always sent when he left the office: "ETA 20 minutes". I am looking for him at our Wednesday night dinners at church. With Zach driving his car now, when I see it gone from the driveway, my mind tricks me and I think Frank is just not home.

I talked with my grief counselor about this. She said it just takes time for our heart to catch up with our head. We know our loved one is not coming back, but our hearts wants it to not be true.

All of this is normal to the grieving process. And in spite of all our emotions, I am pleased with our progress. I am so proud of how the kids seem to be handling everything. We still have long way to go, but we are moving ahead the best we can.

I am excited about being hired by The Shot Nurse. I will be helping them with the H1N1 vaccine through flu season and I start Monday morning.

As promised in His word, God is meeting our needs - in every way. HE IS FAITHFUL. If this blogs sends no other message, it's that He is worthy of our trust.... and that He likes LSU more than MSU ;)

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.