So far, I consider myself to have been in a state of shock. I mean, I guess that’s only natural. Someone dies and it makes sense not to miss them as much when it’s the same amount of time as a vacation. But then, you pass that mark… the point where it really hits you - you have car trouble and don’t know what to do or you sit at home alone and realize that they would normally have been there to keep you company.
Whatever the case, it comes on strong, and there is no way to get around it. So many times I have come home dying to tell dad about what just happened to me. I’ve been swimming laps lately, and the other night I swam 22 laps- the most I’ve ever done. Without even thinking I rushed home and walked in the door... about to open my mouth, when I realized - he wasn’t there. He wasn’t going to be there. And that is my harsh reality.
It’s a weird feeling to see the world around you move on and know that you’re moving about 10 paces slower. It’s hard to describe. Some days I feel on top of the world and others I don’t even want to open my eyes. There’s this since of loneliness that is always there. This empty place in your mind… dad used to be here for me to give some of my love, my time, and my wants and needs. And now that I have lost him…. It’s the same feeling you would get if someone pulled the chair out from underneath you. You’re depending on the chair to help hold you up, and all of a sudden you’re on the ground.
I will get through this though.. and I know that there is hope in every affliction. I have seen that first hand. And I am determined to make it through. This won’t last forever. I get through the day knowing and depending solely on my Savior for my every step. He has drawn me close in every way. Each day is like a new and exciting adventure with my best friend and Lord.
I thank Him everyday for this experience.
Through all of this I have continued to learn more and more everyday. This life is like a series of storms. And while everything around me is going crazy, God is always there. He is my Rain. No matter where I go, I will always be drenched in His love and peace. I have realized that without turning to Him first, I get nowhere. Because the more I try to fix things, or pretend like I’m always alright and that nothing has changed... the more trapped I am in everything I try to run away from.
So I’ve decided to stand in this storm and praise God that I am in it! Because without this storm, I would never have felt the Rain.
“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father’s God, and I will exalt Him.” Exodus 15:2
11 comments:
There are no words I can share except to join you in the joy of love and the pain of losing it...You are so loved and cherished and have within you your daddy's ( both your heavenly and earthly father's strength) and beside you your momma's strength of faith and family to lift you up and care for you ... as you make it through this part of your journey. "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe". Prov. 18:10
I love you. Your very, very proud of you, Nana. xoxox
Chandler,
I am going to let Elena read your post. She is now 11 and trying to sort through what happened to her when her dad died, and she was only 4. I believe your dad was right there cheering you on when you swam those 22 laps. When Moses and Elijah met Jesus on the Mount of Transfiguration, "they spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem" (Luke 9:31). Moses and Elijah knew what Jesus was doing here on earth and what was yet to come. I think your dad was cheering you on and celebrating that accomplishment with you.
I know this must be unbelievably painful, though I have never lost my dad. The world does seem to be passing by when someone you love so much dies. Cherish those good days when you feel God's embrace and can see the sun peeking through the clouds. I am thankful you can see God's grace through the pain. Thank you for posting -- I really think Elena will cherish your words. You are a beautiful young woman inside and out.
Love,
Emily Ziehmer
Chandler, you are so brave, and so helpful. I believe it was hard, yet fufilling to write the words you wrote for all to read. You and your family are teaching us all so much through this experience. It rained this morning--maybe just for you! Take care, Chris Stamp (Taylor's mom)
Chandler: no words can describe what an amazing young lady you are! I am blown away at your maturity and your insights and your faith!!! Thank you for sharing your heart!
I Love You, Sweet Girl!!!
Mrs. Lou
Chandler- I was in small group with your Mom and Dad and babysat you and your brothers years ago. I wish I could adequately express the beauty in the words you wrote. While painful to read knowing that you hurt, it's also beautiful to read how wise you are and how you know that leaning on the Lord right now is exactly where you should be. He weeps with you and holds you close. I so admire you and wish that all the love and encouragement that extends to your family could take away the pain. What an amazing legacy your Dad left in you! Thank you so much for sharing in such an honest way. You may not know how much your testimony will help others. Pray for peace for you -
Vicki in Denver
Chandler,
Thanks for sharing your heart. My prayers are with you. May God continue to comfort you.
David
Chandler -- your words are so encouraging to those who will also go through the sadness of losing a parent. I can so relate to "the world seems to go on at such a fast pace." When I lost my mom several years ago, I wanted to just yell out "Hey everybody, my mom died! Please slow down so I can catch up!" The world didn't slow down, but eventually I did catch up . . . with God's sweet love and strong presence to help me. Please know that you and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Lou Ann Muntz
Chandler, What a beautiful way to honor your Dad, by sharing your heart and your strong faith! You are truly your Dad and Mom's girl--and it shows! I remember seeing you in LR when your dad and I were starting out. you were just a little thing then... I am so deeply sorry for the way it all played out. God has used your family to bless so many lives. I will continue to pray for you all! Love, Margaret Martin, Chattanooga TN
Dear Chandler,
You use your words so well in describing the personal and painful experience of deeply missing your dear father. Your faith is such a testimony to all that your parents have shared with you over the years. Day by day, holding God's hand, it will slowly get better. Know that you are loved and prayed for by so many people.
With blessings,
Jeanne Bruno
I have read this so many times...you clearly have your parent's gift for putting your thoughts and feelings into the most eloquent words. You have described perfectly the pain of losing a parent. And you will be helping so many by putting your thoughts here on occasion, just as your Mom does. You don't know many people you have already helped! I'll keep praying for you all.
robin d
Chandler,
What an incredible expression of your personal feelings and love for your father. Thank you for sharing your heart and helping us to know your pain. Your heavenly Father will continue to hold you in His hands and strengthen you during those lonely times. What a special man your daddy was and his life will continue to live on through yours and your brother's lives. Do keep us posted when you can on how you are doing. I'm sure you will be helping other young people who have similar circumstances in their lives. What a testimony to the Hope that your dad talked about and lived!
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