Therefore, comfort one another with these words.

It’s quiet in the house this morning. The only sounds I hear are the wind chimes outside and Casey’s heaving breathing as she lay close beside my feet.

Spring is here. The Bradford pears are in full bloom. The cherry trees are displaying beautiful shades of pink. Both of those trees remind me of Frank. We had a cherry tree at our other house that we enjoyed very much. And I love the Bradford Pear trees. But Frank refused to plant one at any of our houses. He said they weren’t strong enough. The limbs break in storms, etc. We playfully argued about landscaping and our disagreement about the Bradford pear was ongoing….I tried to have one at each of our houses…until the big storm that hit Memphis a few years ago with straight line winds. We called it “the destruction of the pear trees”. I was convinced. But I had to see it with my own eyes before I believed. Even though Mr. Horticulture knew what he was talking about. I wasn’t convinced until I saw it with my own eyes.

I went to the cemetery yesterday. I’d never seen it like that before. The whole Garden of Grace was covered in white wild flowers. It was so pretty and peaceful.

While I was there, I read the scriptures in 1 Thessalonians 4 about the coming of the Lord. It explains how those who are asleep in the Lord will rise first, then those who remain, and then we will be with Lord forever. The last verse says we are to comfort one another with these words.

After I left the cemetery, my night went on as planned. I picked up Chase from play practice, went to Zach and Jimmy’s soccer game at school, and then drove Chase to a party.

I’ve been in the mood to spring clean the past week or so. It’s time. The house needs it. It’s not about going through Frank’s things, which I haven’t done. It’s more about the process of just getting your house in order. You ladies know what I’m talking about. But everything in the house has things that belong to Frank in it. There’s not one place that was just mine. But I’ve had a week to prepare. I was ready for the challenge.

When I got home, I decided to tackle the office. I spent about an hour throwing papers away that I know I didn’t need anymore. A lot of it was medical papers, lab results, etc. I had made my mind up that I wasn’t going to keep those things. It wasn’t how I wanted to remember Frank. The bottom line for me was that my husband died of cancer. I didn’t need an old lab report to remind me of that. It hurts enough.

So, after an hour, I had a bag of trash and a somewhat organized desk. I found letters from Big Frank, pictures, birthday cards, our wills, and more. And I put them in a special place for safe keeping.

I thought I was doing pretty well until I got in the car to pick up Chase. I don’t know what it is about the car, but that (and the shower) is one place that I can break down and let it all out. Without warning, my soul confessed that I my big cover up wasn’t fooling anybody and the emotions of what I had just done came over me like those straight line winds that ripped up the pear trees. I felt guilty and sad…. and lots of things all at once. What was I doing??  My face must not keep as good of a secret as my car does, because the first thing Chase said to me, walking to my car – in the dark – was “Have you been crying?” Secrets out.

So, this morning, while it’s quiet (except for Casey), I decided to comfort myself with “those words”. I read 1 Thess 4, 1 Cor 15 and 2 Cor 5. I had to ask my self if I really believe this or do I need to be convinced, like the pear trees? But God has never lied before. He’s always been true to His word. So I will “walk by faith, not by sight”, like 2 Cor 5 says.

After some time, I decided that I am indeed comforted by God’s words. I’m finding myself a little jealous of Frank this morning. He is farther ahead in this journey of ours that isn’t finished yet. I know it was a work of the Holy Spirit that prepared Frank’s heart about his going home. He had a peace and strength about what was happening to him that was such a testimony to the grace and mercy of God. It helped comfort all who watched him in those past months.

I’ve read those verses before, but now when I read them, I have the face of my soul mate, my lover, our daddy, and my best friend in my mind. That makes the verses jump off the page for me and mean so much! I hope they do for you too.

Therefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thess 4:18

gotta love spring break !

I can’t believe we’re winding down March. In some ways time has stood still this past year, and yet, at the same time it seems as though it’s gone by really fast.

Spring break is the best part of March! The kids and I have been looking forward to Hope’s ski trip for so long! They love to get away with their friends and leaders, and I love getting to tag along. It’s the perfect combination for teenagers…. Mom’s there, yet not around enough to be in the way. Of course, there are Mom benefits too. I don’t have to keep up with their stuff, wake them up, feed them or nag them about anything. Like I said….. we look forward to it all year!

It snowed everyday on the mountain and several nights at the Ranch. It was so beautiful to watch ~ so peaceful and calming. I’ve never been on that ski trip without Frank. I was expecting it to be difficult, but I made some decisions on the front end to try and make it better. I avoided the cabin we always stayed in and enjoyed my week with Jane in a new cabin. We laughed, talked and had a great time. I tried to focus on the wonderful blessing of Frank being there with us last year. Making that trip meant the world to him. It was huge sense of accomplishment and blessing.

There’s just something about being in a different place, especially somewhere as majestic as the mountains that make you feel close to the Lord. His creation is just staring at you all over the place! I know, I know, His creation is here too… but let’s face it…. the Rockies are a lot better looking than Germantown Parkway in rush hour traffic!

With our year mark approaching, I took that time to do a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying, and a lot of talking ~ to Frank and myself. I tried to make some goals for myself, and for the kids. Some of these are practical. I plan on answering questions like: are we going to stay in the house? ~ what about Frank’s clothes? ~ when do I go through his things in the garage? ~ etc. I want to be strong for the kids. Frank was so strong. It just amazes me as I think about all he went through. As I did some soul searching, I tried to set some goals.

I'm also working through my feelings about other things. Chandler is about to leave for college… another big change ahead. I thought I was ready, but the closer it gets, I’m not so sure! I feel we’re the Incredible Shrinking family! Just when I get used to her being gone, Zach will leave the next year! I want to make goals about how I spend my time. The kids are my whole life right now. That just comes natural as a momma. But I’m not their whole life, and I shouldn’t be. They’re trying to leave the nest ~ and I don’t want to clip their wings. I want a healthy balance, for myself and for them. Yet, I know they still me right now. I’m still praying about when to jump into a full time job.

Chase and I celebrated birthday’s this month, along with Frances ~ my birthday twin. My last birthday, Frank sang happy birthday to me from Salida, CO in the cutest pizza joint. I miss the sound of his voice and his sweet kisses. But I was showered with love from my dear friends and family. Chase and I both felt special and much loved this year.

Today’s Streams in the Desert is so good. I love it when God confirms what He is doing in my heart.

“A stoic person despises the shedding of tears, but a Christian is not forbidden to weep. Yet the soul may become silent from excessive grief, just as the quivering sheep may remain quiet beneath the scissors of the shearer. Or, when the heart is at the verge of breaking beneath the waves of a trial, the sufferer may seek relief by crying out with a loud voice. But there is something even better.

Therefore, amid a multitude of trials, souls who love God will discover reasons for boundless, leaping joy. Even though “deep calls to deep” (Ps 42:7), the clear cadence of the Lord’s song will be heard. And during the most difficult hour that could ever enter a human life, it is possible to bless the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Have you learned this lesson yet? Not simply to endure or to choose God’s will but to rejoice in it “with an expressible and glorious joy” (1Peter 1:8). Streams in the Desert pages 121-122

My prayer is that I will live each day, with God’s help, accepting His will with joy.

Thank you for your faithfulness to our family and for continuing to remember us in your prayers.

In His grace,

Peggy

As I sit to write this post, I am looking outside at beautiful snow! I just love it! I had intended to update on Jan 29th - our 9 month mark, but we got winter weather that day too, and time just slipped away. But yesterday was a special day too.... Frank asked me to marry him 21 years ago on Feb 7! I'm so glad he asked! :)

I have been reminded of the power of prayer and how precious the body of Christ is this past month. I have run into several friends lately that have told me, " I still pray for your family every day". I cannot express how that makes me feel! When people told Frank they prayed for him everyday, he used to tell them, don't pray for me everyday... you'll get tired of it. Pray for me on trash day - that way you'll remember!

Jan 29th was 9 months. There was ice and a little snow on the ground that morning too. The kids were sweet to go with me to the cemetery (they don't really like going). I wanted to see it with snow around it. I never tire of going, although my emotions vary with each visit. Sometimes I go because I just miss any sense of being near him, and I talk to him, even though I know he's not there. I feel like Forest Gump when he talked to Jenny. It's embarrassing. And other times I go and I'm happy and joyful and just reminded of how very blessed I was to have had a good marriage. I know I'm a better person for knowing him, and for loving him.

God is teaching me gently how to love and trust Him in a new way. I have trusted Him as my Saviour. I have learned to say "not my will be done" about His plans for our lives. This isn't easy, but that relationship is familiar after walking with the Lord as a believer. What I didn't realize was that I didn't really know how to let Him fulfill needs that Frank filled. I had to admit that I didn't allow Jesus to supply my every need. As a wife, Frank filled a lot of my needs. Learning to look to the Lord to really meet my every need has been a challenge. But guess what? God never disappoints. Hope doesn't disappoint. And He promises to meet us right where we are!

Since Christmas, I can - for the first time - say that I feel progress being made on this grief journey. (I don't know what else to call it) Christmas was...well.... just really really hard! But even with New Years came a sense of hope, new beginnings and fresh starts. Every sense then, I can feel the heaviness of pain lifting a little. I still cry. Almost every day but it's just a little different than before. I remember with more joy than pain. But this statement couldn't be more true: You never get over it, you just get through it.

The kids are all doing well. They have a healthy perspective about Frank I think. We talk about him very often. His name is mentioned at our house daily in some way or another. We laugh at old stories, we are very mindful of the mark he left on our lives in so many different ways. Even in the little things.... Zach and I went to buy new windshield wipers for the suburban. He bought just what his daddy told him to: "the good ones... don't buy the cheap ones". We just smiled on the way to register... it's just the little things that make us remember him with tenderness and love.

Chase finished his swim season strong and just made the spring musical Fiddler on the Roof at school. Zach is getting ready for the soccer season to start and working at the church. Chandler was recently diagnosed with Senioritis. It's pretty bad... We are on the daily countdown to graduation! Her plans are to attend Miss State (tell me Frank doesn't have pull in heaven!) in the fall. She's still playing the piano and working at the restaurant.

This week is Big Frank's birthday and he and Frances' anniversary. My thoughts are with her and Neely and Scott as we approach the one year mark of saying goodbye to Big Frank. We miss him so much!

THANK YOU for your continued prayers for our family. We are filled with gratitude and thankfulness for you!

"Be stong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Ps 31:24

I hope each of you reading this had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. It seems like time has passed so slowly since the Thanksgiving update. I hope time doesn't pass that slowly as you read this post!

The Christmas season hit me much harder than I ever expected. I thought I was ready. I've read grief books, gone to grief counseling (Mom and I even went to a seminar about how to handle the holidays), I get daily email devotions about grief. I had prepared my head like I was cramming for a final exam. But my heart must have skipped class. I cried every day for a solid month. Anything and everything set me off.

I felt so bad when Chase asked me one day why I wasn't be happy and did it have anything to do with him. I tried to explain my tears as best I could and reassured him I how much joy he brings me. There are times I see the "little boy" in Chase that just melts my heart. No matter how grown up he trys to be, he is still so vulnerable and tender. Chase watches me like a halk. When I do cry, he is usually first to my side to try and make it better. I pray for wisdom in how I deal with Chase. We'll have more time together at home than I will with the other two. And at his age, our relationship is different than it is with Chandler and Zach. I worry more about the absense of a father in his life. And then I cry again... because whenever Frank opened up about his prognosis, the first words he'd uttered were "What about Chase? Please Lord, just let me get Chase grown up..."

The kids and I devised a plan to do something different for this holiday. (something I learned in my holiday grief seminar!) We went to my parents for our traditional dinner with the family. But after that, we jumped in the car and drove all night to Panama City. A dear friend let us stay at their condo and we were so excited to be going to the warm beach for Christmas day!

Except..... it was not warm in Florida! But we still had a great time. We began the DVD series of Lost and got hooked! Nocturnal by nature, we stayed up till 3 and 4 in the morning watching tv, slept till mid morning, went out to eat and came back to the condo to play games and watch more Lost. It may seem weird that we drove all that way and only watched tv, but not really. Had we stayed home, the kids would have gone out with their friends, worked, played Xbox, etc. I was thrilled to have them all to myself for 5 days!

Monday was the warmest, sunniest day in Panama City. We went to the beach. For an 2 hours. We were covered up from head to toe with sweat shirts, socks, and blankets. Chandler and I snuggled up while the boys fed and chased the birds. Just being able to see the ocean and hear the waves was soothing. Being in the mountains or at the ocean is alway a good reminder of how awesome our God really is. How majestic is His creation! It reminded me that He is in control and loves us so much.

Another neat thing that happened in Florida was my being able to meet a college friend of Neely's. Through Neely, Stefanie follows this blog and has been praying for us a long time. We met one afternoon and had coffee together. What a blessing it was for me to see face to face someone who has invested herself in praying for our family.

We made it back in time for New Year's Eve. I felt really good all Thursday and Friday. Celebrating the New Year conveys such a message of renewal, moving forward, and new goals. I felt hopeful that 2010 would be a year of continued healing. I am looking forward to seeing what God is going to do in each one of our lives this year.

Today is Jan 2. On this day last year, Frank and I were returning home from a very emotional trip to Little Rock. This was the night we gathered the kids around and told them he wasn't going to do anymore heavy treatments in Little Rock. Frank told them the treatments weren't stopping the cancer and that he would only live a few months. Only by the grace of God...

Zach and Nana comforted each other. I cried with Chase in the middle of our living room floor... the same room we were in when Frank passed away 4 months later. And I will always remember hearing heart wrenching sobs of Chandler crying together with Frank in her room. A year ago......

When I remember that I can only thank God for the blessings He gave us each day with Frank. We are thankful that we knew in advance and were able to make the most of our time together. Whenever I hear of a tragedy that took someone's life unexpectedly, my heart goes out to the family because their goodbye is so different. I can't imagine that kind of loss.

It's 2010. God is still in His throne. The kids are doing well. I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. We are 8 months into our "year of firsts". The memories are vivid, yet each one of them have helped us through the healing process. We are getting stronger each day.

"We have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure." Hebrew 6:19

Thank you so much for the continued support and love for our family. It overwhelmes us so much. May God bless each one of you..... peg

Gobble Gobble

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I am so thankful for that promise in God's word, aren't you?

This is Monday of Thanksgiving week....... for most it's a time of making the grocery list, ordering the ham, and buying the turkey. It's about cleaning for company, and getting ready for shopping and putting up decorations.

That's always been true at our house, but it's also a time of remembering.
This journey had a beginning ~ that dreadful day when the doctor gave us bad news. And that news that changed our lives forever.

Frank had an MRI on the Friday before Thanksgiving (2002). Monday, we were awaiting a call from the spine doctor that ordered the test. But instead, our Internist called and wanted to see Frank that afternoon. He said the other doctor was on jury duty, and he asked him to see Frank right away. We both thought we were about to get news that Frank needed back surgery. But as you know, it was very different news.

The rest of the week was busy, hectic and everything was urgent.... doctors, xrays, biopsies, surgery, telling the kids, all the family, his Elliott family.... and I remember every detail.

I'm sure there are many days about the last 7 years that I will not remember as clearly as time goes on. But that Monday - and that Thanksgiving week - isn't one of them. It's as vivid as the day it happened.

As Frank's family was saddened to hear the news, my family was still trying to process Jim's cancer diagnosis just 3 weeks earlier. That shock had not worn off and here we had another diagnosis to process. I have often said, "2 sisters with husbands the same age, diagnosed within a month of each other, both with blood cancers. That's probably as likely as lightening striking the same place twice."

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Thanksgiving that year was one of the most precious times our families had together. I remember it being a sweet time, lots of laughter, and tears, a some excitement thrown in for good measure. Dave, Neely's husband fell in the attic and came through to the kitchen! He made a matching hole in the ceiling where I had done the same thing a year before!

Yes.... that day - that week - will never fade from my memory. The thing that sticks out to me, is that in light of everything going on, we rested on a firm foundation that God had not left his throne. And we were not alone. We had all the emotions normal for the situation at hand, but they filtered through that truth as we processed them.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever, he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

As we approach this Thanksgiving, 2009, we will approach it the same way. Frank's family is coming to town (Dave won't be allowed in the attic) and we will join families and celebrate God's goodness. God is still on His throne.

A lot has changed since November 2002. Neely and Dave have 3 children, Jim is cancer free, Julie is engaged to be married and much more.... and two precious people will be missing from our table.

My heart is heavy as we experience Thanksgiving without Frank, of course, but my heart is also aching for other friends and loved ones I know are hurting too. Everywhere we turn, we know others going through hard times. Friends in our Hope family are walking a similar journey this season. Friends fighting cancer, Lyme disease, and grieving loss. I ran into another widow friend at Chase's swim meet. We shared our anxiety about the holiday season. I walked away committed to pray for her and others every day of this season. I pray God will comfort them and shower them with His grace and mercy.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." Psalm 33:22

Last Wednesday, November 18th, was our anniversary. Another first. We would have been married 20 years! Frank tried hard to make that one - we talked about it on occasion.

I watched our "once was lost, but glad we found it" wedding video. (It was "lost" under Zach's bed.) I thought I would cry my eyes out the whole time. I started out with a few tears, but it quickly turned to laughter as I saw - how can I say this?..... as I pondered the choices I had made in planning our special day. The dresses were "interesting", the music was "mood altering", and the preacher was "interested in his topic". That's a nice way of saying the 80's styles were ugly, the music yucky and the service was way too long!

But one part I payed close attention to. The vows. They were just right. I loved hearing his voice as we told each other we would love each other in plenty and in want, in sickness or health until death parted us. In the end, it's all about vows. Little did we know then what our future held together. But I am so thankful for 19 1/2 years together, and for the 3 children God blessed us with. And I am most thankful for a marriage that ended as good as it started.

As we go through our first holiday without our Franks, I am thankful for the blessings God has given us as a family. I still thank God for each person that prays for us, encourages us, provides for us, and continues to love us. We thank God for you, and pray His blessings on you.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Peggy, Chandler, Zach and Chase

6 months

"How are ya'll doing?" It's a hard question to answer. Well, it's a hard question to answer honestly. Half the time I don't really know. I usually say, "we are where we are suppose to be and doing well in that place." And the quicker version of that is. "Fine. We're fine."

I can hardly believe 6 months have passed. The kids and I talk about how time feels. In someways it feels like time has crept by day after day, very slowly. Yet, at the same time, I can't believe it's October. The year is almost over and I can't remember but a fragment of it. Where did the time go?

Nevertheless, some things remain the same...

We miss him...
We long for the sound of his voice... his laughter...his smile...
I want his opinion about things... anything...
I want to hold his hand...
Share coffee in the morning...
Watch TV at night...
I want him to be mad at me for not giving him my receipts out of my wallet BEFORE he paid the bills...
I wish he could cook us a yummy meal on the grill...
I miss Little Rock and the time we spent there...
I miss the snoring...

Grief is universal. I know many of you reading this blog have felt the pain of loss. (and I'm sorry if you have) I have found over the months, that there's an instant connection when you speak to someone else who knows the loss of a loved one. Sometimes walking around in a fog feels so foreign to the way you used to be. Talking with someone else who has experienced what you're going through is like being in a strange land and meeting someone who speaks your language. They get it. They get where you are.

The kids got to experience a little of this a few weeks ago. They went to a Teen Good Grief camp in AR. At first, they reacted like any teenager would when you suggest giving up a weekend with friends to go... well, you know.... grieve. ("not grieve, mom" as Zach put it, "we're going to heal" - with his sarcastic smile)

God answered my prayer, as I could see them already getting to know their adult "buddy" for the weekend in the parking lot. They all enjoyed themselves, the other teens in the camp and the activities that centered around "where they are right now." They came home really glad they went. Chase was funny. He told me about a relaxation exercise they did. He said he wanted me to do it. "What is it, Chase?" "Well, they call it a relaxation exercise, but it's really just something that makes you cry." I tried it. He was right.

October 13th, I went to Jackson to be with Frank's family. The Mississippi Bar association was having a memorial service for those members of the bar that passed away in 2009. It was a lovely service and it was great to see the family and spend some time with them. Big Frank is missed so much. We find letters he wrote tucked away in books or drawers. Whenever I see a yellow memo pad letter folded up, I know I have found something special.

The kids are busy as usual, and doing well. Chandler is working hard on filling out scholarship applications. Mississippi State is her first choice for college right now. (That's proof of heavenly influence on earth) She's still playing piano, singing in the praise band at church. She's also swimming on the ECS team this year.

Zach is playing soccer for Lobos still. He loves it, his team and his coach. He's also starting to look for a job. And of course, still thrilled to be driving. The suburban fits him just right and it's really sweet to see him behind the wheel of daddy's car. Zach also wears some of Frank's shirts. It warms my heart to see him in them.

Chase is also swimming on the ECS team. He's in the school play - Robin Hood. We're looking forward to his performance in mid November.

I'm still working at Hope and just started a new nursing job at The Shot Nurse. The girls I work with are so nice. It's very different being around people who didn't know me before, know Frank or followed our journey. I thought today was going to be so hard, but when I got to work, I was able to share with them what today was. It ended up being such a sweet day with them. One of the girls was born and raised in Greenville and graduated from the same high school as Frank. Good ole Greenville High! It's a small world!

This is a Halloween picture from last year. I can't remember if we blogged about it or not, but he dressed up and walked around to a few of the departments at UAMS - the PET scan and radiology department. The staff knew Frank, and saw him often... but they didn't recognize him. He was using his walker and looked very convincing.

After we had gone to the Bone Marrow unit for his transfusions, we found out the campus police were looking for him! Someone in radiology had reported him as a missing psych patient! That made Frank's day! He was very proud to know he was on the "Wanted List".

We will miss him this Halloween....

So, here's how we're REALLY doing... it's a long - but honest - answer....

We are waking up every day very well aware that Frank isn't here.
We cry. Some days a lot, some days a little.
But God is faithful. He has never left our side.
He is there, knowing just what we need and providing it for each one of us.
We are growing, and learning how to depend on Him for our needs.
We are getting close to Him and each other.
And we are dreading the holidays.

Thank you for your prayers, cards, calls and emails. It really does still minister to us and mean so much.

We are blessed.... so very blessed.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is, but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,
while we do not look at the things which are seen, but the things which are not seen,
For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

5 months

With great anticipation, we waited all day Saturday, the 19th, to wish Zach a happy birthday. Chandler and I (mostly Chandler) planned a surprise party for him. Seconds after the "SURPRISE!!", I asked him if he was really surprised. Zach replied, "No.... I knew." He's not a straight A student on accident. But we all had fun.

He passed his drivers test on the following Tuesday and was able to drive himself to his soccer practice that evening. It was the first time he'd driven alone. We all tried to act cool about it, like he'd been driving for years. But after he walked out the door, Chase and I raced to the window to watch him get in the car, fix mirrors, and pull out the driveway. He caught us at the last second and gave us a smile and a wave.

Tuesday was big day for Zach. Getting his license. Driving.... his daddy's car. The day had it's joyful and exciting moments. But at the end of the day, Zach crawled into his daddy's spot in our bed and had a good cry. That just says it all, doesn't it?? That is a true picture of grief. Life goes go, but never without the pain.

Last weekend, the kids and I were able to attend the Miss State/LSU game in Starkville. The kids hadn't been to a football game in so long their memories were vague. Chandler's friend, Ashleigh, went with us. My cousins were generous and shared tickets with us. Seeing them "take it all in" was really fun for me. The cowbells were ringing and the fans were chanting "maroon" and "white". The game was so exciting!

The whole weekend, the scrolling thought constantly rolling through my mind was how proud Frank would be of me! He was the football guy. Yet, I packed up 4 kids and drove to Starkville. Saturday morning the sky poured down the rain. But that didn't stop me! I was boy scout prepared. I bought rain ponchos, got parked in time for us to enjoy breakfast on campus, walk around the Union and had us in our seats on time!

Just like last Tuesday, we had a great time - cheered, laughed and took it all in.... all with the overwhelming sense of loss that Frank was missing it all. Maybe he wasn't. Ashleigh told us he just had a better view. It was us missing him. Yes, indeed.

Isaiah 49:13 (The Message)
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead! Mountains, send up cheers!God has comforted his people. He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.

It's been 5 months. Our schedule is almost identical to the way it was a few years ago. The kids are in school, I'm working at Hope. The familiar routine has been comforting, but it has also caused - for me - a strange sense of denial. Things are so much like they were before, that the anticipation of Frank walking through the door after work is worse now than it was a few months ago. I keep looking for my daily text he always sent when he left the office: "ETA 20 minutes". I am looking for him at our Wednesday night dinners at church. With Zach driving his car now, when I see it gone from the driveway, my mind tricks me and I think Frank is just not home.

I talked with my grief counselor about this. She said it just takes time for our heart to catch up with our head. We know our loved one is not coming back, but our hearts wants it to not be true.

All of this is normal to the grieving process. And in spite of all our emotions, I am pleased with our progress. I am so proud of how the kids seem to be handling everything. We still have long way to go, but we are moving ahead the best we can.

I am excited about being hired by The Shot Nurse. I will be helping them with the H1N1 vaccine through flu season and I start Monday morning.

As promised in His word, God is meeting our needs - in every way. HE IS FAITHFUL. If this blogs sends no other message, it's that He is worthy of our trust.... and that He likes LSU more than MSU ;)

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Frank's Birthday

September 11th is Frank's birthday. Of course, it's the attacks on our nation that most people think of when you say 9-11. When Frank would sign in at the doctor's office, the receptionist would ask for his name.... "Frank Carlton".... and then date of birth.... "9-11-64". Almost every time, they would look up at him (sometimes for the first time) with big round eyes, as it he had something to do with the attacks somehow. Frank would just smile with that precious twinkle in his eye and say... "It was my day first".

Well, it was his day first. Today marks another "first" in our journey. It reminds me of conversations Frank and I had about his leaving us. He would say them in light hearted way, but I knew there was truth to his feelings. He once said he didn't want to die around any one's birthday or holiday and he wanted his funeral to be on the weekend. He said he didn't want people to have to take time off work because of him. Well, he sort of hit the mark on both of those. Chandler, Jim and Momma have April birthdays, but they are before the 29th. And, we did have a weekend funeral. It made me happy to know it worked out that way for him.......... it's the little things, you know?

Frank and I learned how to make gumbo a few weeks after we were married. I'll never forget talking with his Mimi in Greenville as she instructed us over the phone how to make the roux and share her tips with us. What a sweet memory that is. She had a giggle a lot like Frank's. We have made gumbo every year since then as our special tradition - usually on New Years Eve.

We decided to move Gumbo night to September. We will mark the tradition tonight on Frank's birthday, and then it will probably be Zach's birthday dinner in years to come. He loved sharing a birthday party with his dad. This birthday for him will be especially difficult.

We stayed up late last night making the gumbo. We listened to Frank's voice in different recordings we'd saved. And we cried together as a family as we remembered him on his birthday.

The marker has been placed - as the pictures show. We are pleased with it and think it honors him as he would have liked. I put flowers in his vase from our garden all summer long and will miss the chance to take them out each week. They were flowers that all came up from seed that he had planted the year before.

Thank you for your continued prayer for us. We need it still as we travel through this first year. We are hurting still, but more importantly, we are healing too. We know it takes time and we are continuing to praise our wonderful Savior for all He as done... and will do! His grace, mercy and provision for us is so evident. How can we be anything less than in awe of Him??

One of the things we did last night, as we stirred the gumbo pot, was read the Sept 10th entry from "Streams in the Desert", by L.B. Cowman. I know this is a bit long, but it was so powerful to each one us and so timely... just another little gift from God right when we needed it. I hope it blesses you as much as it did all of us.

With love from our hearts to yours.....

September 10

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Psalm 138:8

There is a divine mystery in suffering, one that has a strange and supernatural power and has never been completely understood by human reason. No one has ever developed a deep level of spirituality or holiness without experiencing a great deal of suffering.

When a person who suffers reaches a point where he can be calm and carefree, inwardly smiling at his own suffering, and no longer asking God to be delivered from it, then the suffering has accomplished its blessed ministry, perseverance has "finished its work" (James 1:4), and the pain of the Crucifixion has begun to weave itself into a crown.

It is in this experience of complete suffering that the Holy Spirit works many miraculous things deep within our soul. In this condition, our entire being lies perfectly still under the hand of God; every power and ability of the mind, will, and heart are at last submissive; a quietness of eternity settles into the entire soul; and finally, the mouth becomes quiet, having only a few words to say, and stops crying out the words Christ quoted on the cross: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Ps 22:1)

At this point, the person stops imagining castles in the sky, and pursuing foolish ideas, and his reasoning becomes calm and relaxed, with all choices removed, because the only choice has now become the purpose of God.

Also, his emotions are weaned away from other people and things, becoming deadened so that nothing can hurt, offend, hinder, or get in the way. He can now let the circumstances be what they may, and continue to seek only God and His will, with the calm assurance that He is causing everything in the universe, whether good or bad, past or present, to work "for the good of those who love Him" (Rom 8:28).

Oh, the blessing of absolute submission to Christ! What a blessing to lose our own strength, wisdom, plans, and desires and to be where every ounce of our being becomes like a peaceful Sea of Galilee under the omnipotent feet of Jesus! (from Soul Food)

The main thing is to suffer without becoming discouraged.

Whose the student?

It's early early morning at the Carlton house and all is quiet. Not a creature is stirring.... not even the pets.

I would love for you to think I'm disciplined enough to be up this early every morning, but for those of you who know me well, you're probably guessing that I just haven't gone to bed yet, instead of assuming I am up early.

Well, today, I am just up early. I took Mom to the airport ~ she had to be there by 4:45. And it's the first day of school for the kids.

I knew this day would come. I am going to miss them as I go through my day. I must say, it's been comforting to have them near. But, how can I be sad? It was in the master plan. Actually, I am not sad.... because it was the Master's plan.

I am so thankful today and humbled by our wonderful God. I think it's easier to read God's word and find our shortcomings. It's easier to speak of our inadequacies than "brag" on the victories. Don't misunderstand, I use that word very loosely, of course, knowing the victories weren't won in our own strength.

But this morning, I realized that I've seen God's will for our family come full circle. After Frank's first relapse, God put it in our hearts that we would home school if he ever relapsed again, so we could maximize our family time together and make being in Little Rock easier.

When the unthinkable happened, we had a peace about moving forward with this plan. God worked out every detail and we had so much to be thankful for. ECS was gracious and helpful in every way. Having their support was so important to us. With God's help, the year together accomplished just what we hoped it would.

So, it's only by God's grace that they will return to school today. They are so excited about going back. Today starts a new beginning for them, yet, it gives them some closer to the past as well. Not that they've moved on by any means. They're still grieving. Chandler was at the computer last night, looked up and saw Frank's picture on the bulletin board and just broke down. Every step without him is still painful. But God is faithful. They are healing.

Oh, how I wish every story in my Christian faith was this victorious: I heard God's voice, I did as He said, and all is well. Life is good. But of course, it is not. Not even close.

So, whose the student anyway? The kids are coming home with a backpack full of books today. Yet, I am the one still in school. Favorite subject: HIStory

"Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Cor 15:57

I forgot take our tradional back to school photo as I waved goodbye to them in the driveway, so I snapped them right as they were walking in the door from school. They had a great day.

"I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from the beginning to end." Ecc 3:10-11

Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers for our family. It is so comforting to hear that so many of you still check for updates and ask to hear from us.

I've tried to sit down many times but the words just wouldn't come. Mainly because they were just so sad! I felt guilty because I didn't feel like I had anything of value to say.... except this hurts!!

And indeed, it does hurt. So much.

Walking with Frank on his journey was amazing. Not like - vacation amazing. Amazing in that is was not anything we planned. It was all consuming. It was life changing. It was filled with victories and defeats, highs and lows and everything in between. I thought after Frank went to be with Jesus, our story would just continue... you know... the journey our family was on. I had learned to live in that story. My character had a purpose. I was a wife and caregiver. I knew meds, lab values. I had places to be, things to do. I had answers to questions. My prayer list was familiar. The pain was familiar. After 6 1/2 years, I knew how to "do that".

But what I figured out is we're on a new journey. It's not a continuation. The challenges are new. The pain is different, the highs and lows are different. The emotions are different. And Frank isn't here for us to do this together, to share in it like we did before. And as much as others try, no one's shoulder feels like his did. I miss his arms around me and I miss the look in his eyes that only he could give.

But the stories do have one thing in common. GOD. His grace is sufficient for our every need. God is there, even through the pain of missing Frank. That pain is a normal part of living on this earth. He is the one so tenderly caring for us, helping us heal, and giving us the hope we need for each day.

It's been 3 months. In some ways April 29th feels like a lifetime ago, and in other ways, I can't believe the calendar. Can it really be July 29th? Where did 3 months go?

We went to Texas to spend July 4th with family. Chandler and I had a mother-daughter weekend with her Covenant group. We are planning college visits.... Miss. State is first on the list! Zach's soccer has started up again. And school starts in 2 short weeks.

God is the Great Physician and He is healing us - day by day. We laugh, we enjoy being with friends and family. We are planning our futures. We are adjusting. We talk of Frank daily and it brings us smiles, and sometimes it brings tears.

But this I know: I am not the same. Frank is with Jesus, and I am forever changed. "I'm going to be the one better off," Frank once told us, "you have the hard part until we see each other again." One thing the Lord has shown me, is that my aim in life should remain the same..... to be well pleasing to Him. Help me Lord - I can't do it without you.

2 Cor 5:6-9
"Therefore we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord.
For we walk by faith, not by sight.
We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.
Therefore we make it our aim, whether present of absent, to be well pleasing to Him."

Father's Day

I knew Father's Day was coming. I knew when I went to bed last night that when I woke up, it would be Father's Day. Maybe that's why I didn't go to bed until after 2 am. And sure enough, at 6:30 this morning, it was indeed Father's Day.

Today will mark another "first" in this new journey we are on ~our first time to not have either of our Franks. My heart and prayers went out for Neely and Scott and then Frances, Chandler, Zach and Chase. And then the list went on....

As I prayed through these feelings of loss, I reminded myself that happiness is a choice. I know I've preached that motto to my kids many times. Whoever coined it, must be proud of himself. I can either focus on what we've lost (which is an involuntary action I can assure you) or focus on what we have.

I am so blessed to have my Daddy. Happy Father's Day to a man a respect and love very much.
We are also blessed to have godly men in our lives that love us and continue to be an influence to the kids. I am so grateful for them as I named them one by one this morning in thanksgiving.

Right next to this computer - Frank's computer - is a Beannie Baby the kids gave their daddy in 2001. The kids would have been 9, 7, and 5 at the time. It's little tag (that tag is important, you know!) reads: "My dad has such a great big heart, He's kind and funny and really smart, He always finds the time to play, I want to be like him someday." "POPS" has sat in Frank's office all these years and is now in our kitchen, in what we had turned into Frank's nook so he could work downstairs. As I stare at this navy plush reminder of.... well.... what was.... I still must choose to be thankful.

We also have wonderful memories to cherish. The legacy both Frank's left on their children is a good one. We speak of them often - sometimes with laughter, sometimes with tears, but always with a smile. And as intense as these feelings of loss are right now, I have to remind myself often that although life will never be the same, the intensity will get better with time. At least that's what the books say..... and I'm counting on that!

It's been 7 weeks, 4 days. Summer is in full swing. Chase left yesterday for Colorado with the youth at church. Zach will go to Padre Island and Chandler and I have a mother/daughter trip to the lake I'm really looking forward to. And of course we're staying busy at home as well.

Thank you for your sweet cards and encouraging comments to Chandler's post. They've meant so much to her - and all of us.

Yep, it's Father's Day. And we are ~ still ~ blessed.



"I will love You, oh Lord, my strength." Psalm 18:1

"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness and Your salvation all the day.... Psalm 71: 14-15

from Chandler....

The past week has been the hardest so far. Dad is gone.. and I can't change that.

So far, I consider myself to have been in a state of shock. I mean, I guess that’s only natural. Someone dies and it makes sense not to miss them as much when it’s the same amount of time as a vacation. But then, you pass that mark… the point where it really hits you - you have car trouble and don’t know what to do or you sit at home alone and realize that they would normally have been there to keep you company.

Whatever the case, it comes on strong, and there is no way to get around it. So many times I have come home dying to tell dad about what just happened to me. I’ve been swimming laps lately, and the other night I swam 22 laps- the most I’ve ever done. Without even thinking I rushed home and walked in the door... about to open my mouth, when I realized - he wasn’t there. He wasn’t going to be there. And that is my harsh reality.

It’s a weird feeling to see the world around you move on and know that you’re moving about 10 paces slower. It’s hard to describe. Some days I feel on top of the world and others I don’t even want to open my eyes. There’s this since of loneliness that is always there. This empty place in your mind… dad used to be here for me to give some of my love, my time, and my wants and needs. And now that I have lost him…. It’s the same feeling you would get if someone pulled the chair out from underneath you. You’re depending on the chair to help hold you up, and all of a sudden you’re on the ground.

I will get through this though.. and I know that there is hope in every affliction. I have seen that first hand. And I am determined to make it through. This won’t last forever. I get through the day knowing and depending solely on my Savior for my every step. He has drawn me close in every way. Each day is like a new and exciting adventure with my best friend and Lord.

I thank Him everyday for this experience.

Through all of this I have continued to learn more and more everyday. This life is like a series of storms. And while everything around me is going crazy, God is always there. He is my Rain. No matter where I go, I will always be drenched in His love and peace. I have realized that without turning to Him first, I get nowhere. Because the more I try to fix things, or pretend like I’m always alright and that nothing has changed... the more trapped I am in everything I try to run away from.

So I’ve decided to stand in this storm and praise God that I am in it! Because without this storm, I would never have felt the Rain.

“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father’s God, and I will exalt Him.” Exodus 15:2

I have missed this.

Every day, the natural thought process goes through my mind.... "I need to update the website." That's been a constant for over 6 years. It's a habit. Now, it's one of the things that makes my eyes get wet. "What about the website...."

But I've missed this. I've missed my connection with you. So, hear I am. Here we are.

19 days. We miss him. I'm getting questions like "How am you doing?" "What are you doing?"

I've been trying to work on thank you notes. A little a night keeps me busy. We've worked in the yard. Frank had already purchased some plants he wanted for this summer, so I planted those a few days ago.

Last Thursday was a full day, and one of the hardest so far. I went to his office. Took care of business, and cleaned out the rest of his personal things from his desk. By the time I got home, the call came that the death certificate was in. So, Chase and I went to get them. We went to the cemetery. The flowers were gone and the sod laid. We had a sweet time together. We came home just in time for our first official meal at the table - set for 4. And right after dinner, one of the boys (I can't say who or I'll get in trouble) broke their window with a ball. A first for our family believe it our not! I had no idea what to do. And then.. the dreaded bedtime.

Psalm 6:6 "My groaning has worn me out. At night my bed and pillow are soaked with tears."

I don't think I'll have another day like that for a while. It's sad. But the truth is.... that just the way it is right now. And I know it's normal. I told the kids I feel like I'm quoting a Dr. Sues book when we talk about grief: We can't go under it, can't go over it, can't go around it. We have to go through it.

We're handling the grief like we handled the fight. Head on. We cry when we feel like crying, and we laugh when we feel like laughing. We talk about Frank whenever we want to. And we're doing normal things and getting out a little, too. We're respecting each others right to grieve differently. I am very very proud of the how the kids are handling themselves so far. They have been so sweet to me, and to each other. A mommy couldn't ask for more.

A thought came to my mind the other day. Beautiful Feats Ministries. It was listed in the paper, it was mentioned at the service. But Frank hadn't mentioned it here. And for those who don't live in Memphis, you may not know what it is.

Frank had a dream several years back to start a ministry to be the "hands and feet" of Christ by supporting the needs of families affected by devastating circumstances beyond their control.

This was something Frank worked very hard to accomplish. And with the help of his Board of Directors, he was able to see this dream become a reality. He wanted the website to be fully working before he put it here for you to see. Frank's last board meeting was on April 26th.

I am very proud to be able to link you here to Beautiful Feats Ministries!

http://beautifulfeats.com/

Even though we are walking in a "fog" of grief right now (that's what my book calls it), there are many tender moments we have during the day. The pain of loss is bitter sweet, because with each remembrance of him, we are reminded of how much we love him ~ how much he loved us!

He is everywhere in this house, and in every thing I do! And yet I know that's a blessing. We shared much, and much is lost. We are so blessed! My belief in that has not been shaken. Thank you Jesus!

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

The cards and notes we are getting are so comforting. It's a joy to read how Frank touched your life as well. Thank you! And thank you for your continued prayers for our family. Not just the kids and I, but for his family and mine.

Still in His grace, Peggy

It's one week since our Frank went to be with the Lord. Even though we thought were as prepared as anyone could be, it doesn't ease the pain of missing him. It just hurts.

BUT GOD..... He is our comfort, and source of strength and peace. The body of Christ has been such such a blessing to our family, uplifting us through this time.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep". Romans 12:15

The outpouring of love was amazing!!! It gave me such comfort for the weekend. It will forever impact the children as well, as they saw the line at visitation and the church full for his service. The kids knew their Daddy as... well... Daddy. Seeing how many people came to pay respect to him as they knew him through business, church, bible study, college, elementary school, etc broadened their perspective how many lives he has touched.

As we reflect on the weekend, "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you."

We do have a favor to ask.....

We have been told by so many people, that the guest book was too hard to get to in the lobby on Sunday, and as a result, we are missing hundreds of names of people that came to the service.

Because we not able to see everyone it would mean so much to us to know who was there.

If you were there and couldn't get to the book, please let us know, either by telling us here, or emailing me (so I can have your address), and we'll record it for you. It would make me sad to miss sending an acknowledgement. I have heard, only from others, of people that came. It touched our hearts, and we would have never known. Thank you so much for helping us with important detail.

Frank's posts were always so great! I used to linger as long as I could before posting after him. I hated "pushing" his down the page of the website. Remember the one about his taking a bath? (Oct 2008) It was powerful.

I feel the same way today, knowing this post would take his picture off the front screen....

so I'm keeping it! I could just stare at it all day.

The "family bed" has been so good for us. I haven't slept alone yet. Your prayers are needed, and so very appreciated for our family during this time. Thank you!!

Peggy, Chandler, Zach, and Chase

Our beloved husband and father.....

FRANK ANDERSON CARLTON, III, 44, of Germantown, TN, went to be with his Lord and Savior on April 29, 2009 at his home, after a courageous battle with Multiple Myeloma. A celebration of his life will begin with visitation on Saturday, May 2, from 3-5 p.m., with a service Sunday, May 3, 2009, at 2 p.m. Both will be held in the South Hall at Hope Presbyterian Church, 8500 Walnut Grove in Cordova.

Frank was born in Greenville, MS on September 11, 1964. His childhood hobbies included swimming, hunting, and gardening. He was also involved in Boy Scouts of America, where he earned the highest rank of Eagle Scout.

Frank graduated from Greenville High School in 1982 where he was twice voted Class Favorite. He furthered his education at Mississippi Delta Community College, and then Mississippi State University, graduating in 1987, with a Bachelor of Science in Agriculture. During his years at Miss. State, he enjoyed fraternity life, serving as president of Phi Kappa Tau. Frank also worked at the Bulldog Deli, where he met his future wife, Peggy Brody, whom he married in November 1989.

That same year, Frank began working at Elliott Data Systems. He found his niche in sales and earned many awards for outstanding achievement. His 20 year association with Elliott brought Frank great joy, and he considered it an honor to work alongside colleagues, whom he also called friends.

Frank’s love for the Lord was evident in every area of his life, always eager to share the Good News. Frank worshiped at Hope Presbyterian Church where he has served as a deacon, taught in children’s ministry, and was active in his small group. Frank was a member of Bible Study Fellowship for 13 years, where he also served several years in leadership.

Frank loved people, and had a unique gift for making each person he met smile. His positive attitude was an inspiration to all who knew him. After being diagnosed with cancer in 2002, Frank’s passion became sharing God’s faithfulness. It is from this passion that he founded Beautiful Feats Ministries which seeks out unique ways of bringing Glory to God. He also enjoyed cooking, gardening, and spending time with his precious family.

Frank is preceded in death by his father, Frank Anderson Carlton, Jr. He is survived by his wife, Peggy and their three children, Chandler, Zachary, and Chase, mother, Frances Carlton of Greenville; brother, Scott Carlton (Virginia) of Jackson, MS and their children; Rachel, Read, and Phoebe, sister, Neely Carlton (Dave Maatallah) of Jackson, MS and their children; Marissa, Adam and Joshua; father and mother-in-law, Bill and Sandy Brody of Germantown, TN; sister-in-law, Lisa Amann (Jim) and their children; Julie, Lauren, Jimmy and Alexis of Eads, TN; and many other loved ones.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be given to Beautiful Feats Ministry, 5100 Wheelis Drive, Suite 215, Memphis, TN 38117, 901.867.8635; Hope Presbyterian Church, 8500 Walnut Grove, Memphis, TN 38018, 901.755.7721; or the Myeloma Institute for Research and Therapy, UAMS, 4301 West Markham St, Mail #816, Little Rock, AR, 72205

The outpouring of love for our family has been overwhelming. The support and prayer for us means so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Visitation: 3-5 pm, Saturday, May 2
Celebration service: 2 pm, Sunday, May 3

Both will be held in the South Hall, Hope Presbyterian Chuch, 8500 Walnut Grove, Cordova, TN, 38018.

Memorial Park Funeral home has charge, 901.767.8930

Hebrew 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Precious loved ones and friends, Frank has completed the run set before him. And he finished the race with honor, courage and dignity.

Frank went to be with the Lord early this morning. He passed away in my arms as I held him close and with our children with him. Our hearts are broken. Yet we know that he is in no more pain, and rejoicing with his Saviour, his Comforter, his Healer, and his friend.

Yesterday was the best day Frank has had in a while. We played hookie from radiation, and the new pain meds did indeed give him relief yesterday. He enjoyed the nice day on the porch for several hours. He told us funny stories, and watched a movie last night he'd been wanting to see for a week.

We will post more information about the service when it is planned.

As I know you will - our precious prayer warriors - keep our whole family in your prayers.

Thank you for walking this road with us. Frank and I thanked God for you so often.

In His grace, Peggy

Well, it's 1:40 in the morning and I was determined to update before I went to bed! I hope your Sunday was relaxing. After a week of absolutely gorgeous weather, we are expecting rain all week. Life's been sort of like that around here! Sunny one minute, raining the next. But the SON is always out ~ rain or shine!!

Frank didn't need any blood or platelets Friday. Yeah! That gave us more time to spend at the Radiologist. Dr. Lee talked with Dr. Weir, and they decided to order an MRI of his head to try and pinpoint the source of mouth numbness and tongue deviation. The MRI showed a lesion on the side of his face, in front of the ear, that effects 3 facial nerves. But they couldn't find a lesion around the 12th facial nerve. That is nerve causing the tongue to deviate to the right and give Frank trouble talking. They started radiation to the other rib (that they didn't do last time) and the side of his face on Thursday.

Dr. Weir wants Frank to see a new doctor about the other issue, so we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. The main concern is that the myeloma may be in the spinal fluid now, with that being the cause of the 12th nerve irritation. We'll know after tomorrow's visit. Please pray for wisdom for the doctor and a clear plan of action that is best for Frank.

Frank's pain has intensified again. Today's been a rough day. He was, however, really glad he got to spend time with Scott on Saturday. They had a plan to "rate" famous BBQ from Memphis. They got ribs from 4 stores and the men all tried out the goods for the competition. I'll try and encourage Frank to post soon and share the results!

Tomorrow will be long. Labs at Bapt outpatient, radiation after that, and then our appointment with the new doctor. Days like this are hard on Frank with so much moving around. We are praying in advance for a manageable day with good pain control.

My daddy is in the hospital again. He's getting his gallbladder out tomorrow. It was too pretty of a day to be cooped up in the hospital, esp because it was my Mom's birthday too ~ Happy Birthday Mom! Daddy's heart is back in atrial fibrillation, so please pray for him as well, that his surgery will be successful and he'll have a fast recovery.

Our sermon was on worry. Hummm... I don't know why all those other people were there.... that sermon was just for me! Oh, I am so thankful for His timely words to us.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 (Msg)

It's a daily surrender to trust God with every detail of what we are going through. Give us the strength Lord, and increase our faith all the more!

Happy Birthday Jim! We love you and hope you have a great day!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and notes to us after the last post. The intensity of Frank's pain has gotten better since we posted last Wednesday. Thank you, Lord!

After meeting with Dr. Weir, the meds changed and a radiation plan was set into motion. Thursday he got a unit of platelets (they were 4) and then we saw Dr. Lee for radiation. He started that afternoon with the first of 5 treatments. The last one is today.

We are so thankful he's getting some relief, but the real proof for us is when he feels like being more active. We don't get out much, so we were most encouraged when a trip to Gus's Fried Chicken sounded like a good idea to Frank for Friday night. Frank LOVES Gus's. Zach and I rolled him right up to a table and and we all enjoyed a deep fried southern cooked meal ~ and even left with a souvenir t-shirt! We even saw a movie Sunday night too!

Monday, his blood counts were low again. His Hct was 25, and Platelets 4, so spent all day at Baptist getting 3 blood transfusions. I pushed him across the street for radiation while we waited on his lab results and had a great time strolling outside. The weather was so nice! We talked trees and flowers and made plans for our yard. The day was productive and fun! The nurses there are so caring and accommodating. They take great care of Frank and our time there never seems burdensome.

Today is Wednesday ~ doctor day. After his last radiation treatment, we'll be at Dr. Weir's office getting Aredia (to lower his calcium levels in the blood and harden his bones) and then we'll meet with him.

Please be praying for our next step. Frank has a lesion on the right side of his face that is pressing on a facial nerve. At first was only making his mouth numb, but is has progressed over the weekend. His speech is slurred quite a bit and he's only comfortable eating soft food for fear of choking. We will talk to Dr. Weir about having that spot radiated. Like the lesion above his eye, we are very hopeful that the symptoms its causing now that seem so scary will go away quickly and he'll have full recovery from those effects.

As for the rest of the family, everyone has been busy. Chandler went to UT - Knoxville for the weekend and had a wonderful time. That campus visit put UT at the top of her choices for colleges. She's working hard to finish school and is looking forward to the prom in a few weeks.

Zach's having to rest from soccer this week for inflammation under his growth plate, around the knee area. I have no idea what that means, but we were all excited to hear that he's not done growing! He quit listening to the doctor after he said that .... either way, we are hoping for him to have a quick recovery.

Chase has a cold and is running fever. Please pray he can get over this FAST and keep his germs away from Daddy and the rest of us.

We are so thankful for your prayers, the meals, the help, calles, notes, etc. We are so so blessed to not walk this journey alone.

peg

Good morning,

Frank didn't' need any blood transfusions on the 6th, but when we saw Dr. Weir on Wednesday, his platelets were 9, and Hct down to 27. So, Thursday morning, we went in for a bag of platelets.

Frank stays busy during the day working at the computer and "taking care of business" with breaks to nap, or change to a position that brings relief. As always, he's up before me and continues the be the hard worker he's always been - always finding ways to be productive. It's a quality of his I fell in love with a long long time ago!

Friday, April 10th was Chandler's 17th birthday! She's pretty excited... as any teenager would be. She has other close friends that share an April birthday, and they spent the time together doing what teen girls do.... talking and giggling (and don't forget texting) all night!

We were so happy that Frances came to spend Easter weekend with us. We loved having her and hope she enjoyed some much needed rest and change of pace for a few days. We made it to church and enjoyed a wonderful dinner over at mom's with the family.

Monday's labs at Baptist were not surprising to us. He needed 3 bags of blood: 2 units of red cells and a bag of platelets. His Hct was 25 and Platelets 2. That takes up most of the day and we were glad to get home and rest.

Dr. Weir changed his steroid schedule last week to try and help with side effects he was experiencing, but one of the trade offs is that he's more sore in the evening. We've since found out that this trade off was much bigger than we anticipated. His discomfort in the evening and middle of the night has become pretty intense. I know the pain I feel watching him suffer and can't imagine how it feels for him to be one dealing with it all. My heart is committed to help him be as pain free as possible.

Please pray that a solution will be found in order for Frank to be comfortable! Whether this means changing the drug schedule again, or increasing/adding more pain meds, or trying radiation to some of these painful areas... we are praying for relief, and for a clear direction in this area.

Romans 8:18-20, 24-27

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed....
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

We love you all so much are so very grateful for each one of you! We thank the Lord for YOU!
Peg and Frank